Where have I been, you may wonder...I had spent quite a bit of time writing about my adventures in online dating this past summer and all of a sudden, it came to a screeching halt. There's a very good reason for that: I met someone. Not just anyone...someone really and truly special. Someone who makes me laugh, (he's almost as funny as I am!) someone who is a good, kind person, someone who lets me be, well, me.
So, we met, we had dinner, we agreed not to see other people and fell in love (these things did not happen all in one night). And, oh, yeah, somewhere very early in that mix I removed myself from the online dating forum, and, well, dating all together.
So, for all of you who listened to me whine incessantly about another lousy online date...those days are behind us. For those of you who pretended to listen to me whine incessantly about another lousy online date...you're off the hook now, too. And for those of you who read this silly little blog of mine since I began it, I will tell you one thing: I had a blast sharing my ridiculous, sometimes horrifying stories with you. I am so glad you found them amusing, interesting, relatable or even a half-way decent way to pass the time. Adventures in online dating, indeed.
However, truth be told, I am more excited about the adventure I have begun with this one person...
12.08.2009
10.04.2009
Seriously? Seriously.
Ahhh, the first impression. You never get a second chance to make one. That is precisely what an online dating profile is: a first impression. We all know you are made up of good and bad, Angel and Devil, as are the rest of us. But, c'mon...play up your the good things you have to offer a potential mate, rather than show the, um, less flattering and odd things aobut yourself.
The following are some of the more "unusual" comments I have come across in various profiles written by men who think they are really making a good first impression. Naturally, I will throw my two cents in because, well, that's what I do.
I like petite women who are playful and passionate, a bit naughty, but sweet. SIZE 5 OR LESS PLEASE. Um, ok, pal. Not shallow or superficial. Not at all.
So there are no surprises, I am very bi-curious and looking for someone who is looking for or willing to let me experiment in the arena. Keep looking. She doesn't live here...
Rated R- for mature viewers only Cute...not.
I'M A GENEROUS, WELL NOT REALLY , IM YOU KNOW JEWISH .I'M EMOTIONALLY AND FINANCIALLY STABLE MAN , I HAVE A NICE HOME I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU AS LONG AS YOU CHIP IN. Yeah, you're not a neanderthal.
Love is the passion that moves my soil What does that even mean?!
I could be passionate about tying my shoes in the morning Contratulations. How special for you.
And the winner is...
I am thankful to Jesus, for selfelssly dying on the cross, so that we may have forgiveness... Seriously? Seriously. Now, just to clarify, I am all for someone holding tight to their religious views, but for the love of Pete, I don't need to know about when I read your profile.
This is what is out there to choose from, people..And my Grandmother wonders why I am still single.
The following are some of the more "unusual" comments I have come across in various profiles written by men who think they are really making a good first impression. Naturally, I will throw my two cents in because, well, that's what I do.
I like petite women who are playful and passionate, a bit naughty, but sweet. SIZE 5 OR LESS PLEASE. Um, ok, pal. Not shallow or superficial. Not at all.
So there are no surprises, I am very bi-curious and looking for someone who is looking for or willing to let me experiment in the arena. Keep looking. She doesn't live here...
Rated R- for mature viewers only Cute...not.
I'M A GENEROUS, WELL NOT REALLY , IM YOU KNOW JEWISH .I'M EMOTIONALLY AND FINANCIALLY STABLE MAN , I HAVE A NICE HOME I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU AS LONG AS YOU CHIP IN. Yeah, you're not a neanderthal.
Love is the passion that moves my soil What does that even mean?!
I could be passionate about tying my shoes in the morning Contratulations. How special for you.
And the winner is...
I am thankful to Jesus, for selfelssly dying on the cross, so that we may have forgiveness... Seriously? Seriously. Now, just to clarify, I am all for someone holding tight to their religious views, but for the love of Pete, I don't need to know about when I read your profile.
This is what is out there to choose from, people..And my Grandmother wonders why I am still single.
9.21.2009
Red Flags
Once upon a time there was a woman. This woman tirelessly searched for her Prince Charming. This woman spent enough in online dating membership fees to feed a third world nation. This woman is wondering if the fairy tale will ever really come true.
Exhibit A: Dinner with Adam. We had a great time talking and laughing. He reached for the check. I offered, he pushed my hand away. He seemed kind, gentlemanly and sweet.
Looks can be deceiving.
After dinner, we took a little stroll and talked some more. He made a bit of an inappropriate innuendo, which, for the sake of the benefit of the doubt, I let slide. Red flags. Always pay attention to the red flags. We engaged in a kiss and we were doing just fine until his hand ended up somewhere I wished it hadn't. I'm not a shy person, but I think the element of surprise caused my reaction to come off a bit more demure than I wanted it to be. I passed it off and made a little joke, but moved that hand away. I thought I got my point across, but lo and behold...you guessed it: he went back for seconds.
Now I am surprised and pissed off.
So, I do the whole "look at the time" thing with my watch (thankfully I was wearing one) and made an excuse to get the holy hell outta there. Adam mentioned a second date and I quipped about how that may perhaps work (I was not being 100% honest with him or myself) if he could behave and watch his hands next time. His response: "Well, it'll be a second date, so it'll be ok then." Um, no.
With this comment I was now fuming. I'm no serial dater, but I'm no nun either. However, in my many years of dating I have never, ever encountered anything or anyone like this. He walks me to the valet, asks me to drive him to his car (which I foolishly do) and he kisses me on the cheek (sure...now he's a gentleman) and says he'll call me. Dude, don't bother.
But, in typical Julie fashion, I had to get a zinger in before he left my car. Maybe I wanted to ensure I never heard from him again. Maybe I wanted to piss him off like I was pissed off. Maybe both. Nevertheless, I notice something about his car and make mention that in my opinion, perhaps it's not the most manly man thing I've ever seen. Elude to the fact that your date is a homosexual? Yep, that should do it.
Exhibit A: Dinner with Adam. We had a great time talking and laughing. He reached for the check. I offered, he pushed my hand away. He seemed kind, gentlemanly and sweet.
Looks can be deceiving.
After dinner, we took a little stroll and talked some more. He made a bit of an inappropriate innuendo, which, for the sake of the benefit of the doubt, I let slide. Red flags. Always pay attention to the red flags. We engaged in a kiss and we were doing just fine until his hand ended up somewhere I wished it hadn't. I'm not a shy person, but I think the element of surprise caused my reaction to come off a bit more demure than I wanted it to be. I passed it off and made a little joke, but moved that hand away. I thought I got my point across, but lo and behold...you guessed it: he went back for seconds.
Now I am surprised and pissed off.
So, I do the whole "look at the time" thing with my watch (thankfully I was wearing one) and made an excuse to get the holy hell outta there. Adam mentioned a second date and I quipped about how that may perhaps work (I was not being 100% honest with him or myself) if he could behave and watch his hands next time. His response: "Well, it'll be a second date, so it'll be ok then." Um, no.
With this comment I was now fuming. I'm no serial dater, but I'm no nun either. However, in my many years of dating I have never, ever encountered anything or anyone like this. He walks me to the valet, asks me to drive him to his car (which I foolishly do) and he kisses me on the cheek (sure...now he's a gentleman) and says he'll call me. Dude, don't bother.
But, in typical Julie fashion, I had to get a zinger in before he left my car. Maybe I wanted to ensure I never heard from him again. Maybe I wanted to piss him off like I was pissed off. Maybe both. Nevertheless, I notice something about his car and make mention that in my opinion, perhaps it's not the most manly man thing I've ever seen. Elude to the fact that your date is a homosexual? Yep, that should do it.
9.07.2009
Digging Into The Archives
In my last post, I believe I referenced that dating can sometimes be a feast or famine proposition...downpour or drought. Again, I am certain you get the idea. But, since I am still pretty thirsty from this drought, I am digging into the archives to share one of my more interesting little anecdotes from my online dating shenanigans.
I have not typed this one out yet for all to read because I really want to keep this blog PG-13. So, I will let you put two and two together on this one and hope you come up with four.
Well over a year ago I met Greg. Not quite 30, lived in his parent's guest house and, oh yeah...had a fetish.
Dictionary.com (why would I walk all the way upstairs to get an actual dictionary when I can access one without moving an inch?) describes a fetish as the following:
1. an object regarded with awe as being the embodiment or habitation of a potent spirit or as having magical potency.
2. any object, idea, etc., eliciting unquestioning reverence, respect, or devotion: to make a fetish of high grades.
3. Psychology. any object or nongenital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.
Um, yeah, I am referring to # 3...start adding, people.
When Greg and I started hanging out, we had a blast. He was easy to talk to, super nice and funny. After a couple of weeks he came over to hang out and watch a movie. He asked me if I wanted a foot rub. I was impressed and totally pleasantly surprised! So, I got a heavenly foot rub while (almost) finishing the rest of the movie. Ahem.
You've heard that if something seems too good to be true, it usually is? Yup. Nothing's changed on that one, folks.
Greg and I continue to get to know one another better. He learns more about my childhood and how I made the transition from the corporate world into the teaching field. And I learn that he has a foot fetish. Say what?
Yep, Greg had a foot fetish. Between learning from him, the Internet and the solicited input of others, I found out exactly what that meant. I hope you are still doing your own adding here, people, because I am not going to (literally) spell it out for you.
No judgement whatsoever to Greg or those out there in the world with a fetish. To each their own..really and truly! I simply learned that I don't think the fetish thing is for me and my potential mate.
So, Greg and I eventually parted ways and I sit here many moons later to add this story to my "adventures." Some of you near and dear to me reading this may have a fetish (or two!) of your own...please don't throw garbage or heavy objects at me next time we cross paths. I love having you in my life...I just don't want to date you! :-)
I have not typed this one out yet for all to read because I really want to keep this blog PG-13. So, I will let you put two and two together on this one and hope you come up with four.
Well over a year ago I met Greg. Not quite 30, lived in his parent's guest house and, oh yeah...had a fetish.
Dictionary.com (why would I walk all the way upstairs to get an actual dictionary when I can access one without moving an inch?) describes a fetish as the following:
1. an object regarded with awe as being the embodiment or habitation of a potent spirit or as having magical potency.
2. any object, idea, etc., eliciting unquestioning reverence, respect, or devotion: to make a fetish of high grades.
3. Psychology. any object or nongenital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.
Um, yeah, I am referring to # 3...start adding, people.
When Greg and I started hanging out, we had a blast. He was easy to talk to, super nice and funny. After a couple of weeks he came over to hang out and watch a movie. He asked me if I wanted a foot rub. I was impressed and totally pleasantly surprised! So, I got a heavenly foot rub while (almost) finishing the rest of the movie. Ahem.
You've heard that if something seems too good to be true, it usually is? Yup. Nothing's changed on that one, folks.
Greg and I continue to get to know one another better. He learns more about my childhood and how I made the transition from the corporate world into the teaching field. And I learn that he has a foot fetish. Say what?
Yep, Greg had a foot fetish. Between learning from him, the Internet and the solicited input of others, I found out exactly what that meant. I hope you are still doing your own adding here, people, because I am not going to (literally) spell it out for you.
No judgement whatsoever to Greg or those out there in the world with a fetish. To each their own..really and truly! I simply learned that I don't think the fetish thing is for me and my potential mate.
So, Greg and I eventually parted ways and I sit here many moons later to add this story to my "adventures." Some of you near and dear to me reading this may have a fetish (or two!) of your own...please don't throw garbage or heavy objects at me next time we cross paths. I love having you in my life...I just don't want to date you! :-)
8.23.2009
It's Been A While
For a while, I was on a roll...a dating roll, a blogging roll, but now...I'm standing still. I can't blog about dating online if, well, I'm not. I am still an active participant on these sites, but, let's just say that every dater goes through a drought.
I'm pretty thirsty.
Part of the problem is the same old, same old. Once you've been on these sites for a while, you see the same profiles time after time...everyone has pretty much decided who they want to contact and who they don't. So, if "hotnumber45" didn't want to date me when he checked out my profile on Thursday, chances are that the feeling will remain the same when I see his profile on Saturday. But, it works both ways. In turn, if I don't want to date "foreveryourboy" on Monday when I see his profile, I will feel the same way on Wednesday when he sends me an instant message. See my point?
I know that dating is feast or famine...but there is tumbleweed rolling around at the moment...that's ok...it will pick up again, and I will get back into the dating swing of things when it does.
Again, I by no means enjoy dating many men, but it's what needs to be done in order to find the right fit...the old sayings about kissing a lot of frogs and needles in haystacks are certainly true!
But, I do believe, with all of my heart, that he is out there...and when I find him-well, it will all be worth it.
I'm pretty thirsty.
Part of the problem is the same old, same old. Once you've been on these sites for a while, you see the same profiles time after time...everyone has pretty much decided who they want to contact and who they don't. So, if "hotnumber45" didn't want to date me when he checked out my profile on Thursday, chances are that the feeling will remain the same when I see his profile on Saturday. But, it works both ways. In turn, if I don't want to date "foreveryourboy" on Monday when I see his profile, I will feel the same way on Wednesday when he sends me an instant message. See my point?
I know that dating is feast or famine...but there is tumbleweed rolling around at the moment...that's ok...it will pick up again, and I will get back into the dating swing of things when it does.
Again, I by no means enjoy dating many men, but it's what needs to be done in order to find the right fit...the old sayings about kissing a lot of frogs and needles in haystacks are certainly true!
But, I do believe, with all of my heart, that he is out there...and when I find him-well, it will all be worth it.
8.12.2009
That's Just Shady...
The title of this post is what my good friend Brooke told me when I told her the following story:
Ron was on point. He called when he said he would, communicated well and was affectionate on dates. Date number two was pretty great, so when we planned a third, I was looking forward to it. We decided on a Sunday. Ron had plans that morning, and I had plans in the evening, so we agreed on a 2:00 meet up.
At about 12:30 that day, I got a text from Ron apologizing for needing to reschedule our date that afternoon. I wrote back that it was no problem, and that I hoped all was ok. And I meant it.
Once again, cue the crickets.
I am a pretty good communicator in general. But, among the men I date, I really try especially hard. I want to stay as far away from the game playing that many daters subscribe to. Agree or not, I don't wait 24 hours to return a call or text to someone I am dating just to make them wonder what I am doing and to make them think that my life is fabulously full of friends and fun. My life is pretty full, but there is certainly time in it to send a text message.
So, I was kind of surprised when Ron never replied to me. Furthermore, if Ron didn't want to continue to get to know me, why would he have asked me for a third date?
So, when I broke it down for my friend Brooke later that day, she had three words to share: "That's just shady." Brooke's theory involves the fact that she believes many men are online dating fresh from a breakup and when they "disappear", they are really just back with their exes. Food for thought.
When I was watching a discussion among the other "Fab Four" not those British Invaders, the American Manhattan-ites (Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte-the ladies of the famed HBO series "Sex and the City"), they were discussing just this subject: when the men we date disappear, where do they go? Miranda shared that she pretends they die. More (harsher) food for thought. I'm not quite there...I don't wish ill will on these men, but c'mon...don't cancel a date via text and then vanish. Can you say "coward"? I can...I've gotten good at it.
So, Ron is history along with many others. And that's ok. But, I am glad to know that I am not alone in these experiences. That is precisely why I DVR those episodes of "Sex and the City".
Ron was on point. He called when he said he would, communicated well and was affectionate on dates. Date number two was pretty great, so when we planned a third, I was looking forward to it. We decided on a Sunday. Ron had plans that morning, and I had plans in the evening, so we agreed on a 2:00 meet up.
At about 12:30 that day, I got a text from Ron apologizing for needing to reschedule our date that afternoon. I wrote back that it was no problem, and that I hoped all was ok. And I meant it.
Once again, cue the crickets.
I am a pretty good communicator in general. But, among the men I date, I really try especially hard. I want to stay as far away from the game playing that many daters subscribe to. Agree or not, I don't wait 24 hours to return a call or text to someone I am dating just to make them wonder what I am doing and to make them think that my life is fabulously full of friends and fun. My life is pretty full, but there is certainly time in it to send a text message.
So, I was kind of surprised when Ron never replied to me. Furthermore, if Ron didn't want to continue to get to know me, why would he have asked me for a third date?
So, when I broke it down for my friend Brooke later that day, she had three words to share: "That's just shady." Brooke's theory involves the fact that she believes many men are online dating fresh from a breakup and when they "disappear", they are really just back with their exes. Food for thought.
When I was watching a discussion among the other "Fab Four" not those British Invaders, the American Manhattan-ites (Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte-the ladies of the famed HBO series "Sex and the City"), they were discussing just this subject: when the men we date disappear, where do they go? Miranda shared that she pretends they die. More (harsher) food for thought. I'm not quite there...I don't wish ill will on these men, but c'mon...don't cancel a date via text and then vanish. Can you say "coward"? I can...I've gotten good at it.
So, Ron is history along with many others. And that's ok. But, I am glad to know that I am not alone in these experiences. That is precisely why I DVR those episodes of "Sex and the City".
8.06.2009
Skipping To The Dumpster
There is no telling how much longer I will be an off and on online dater. My hopes are that it will be for a very short time. However, if the past is any indication, this will not be the case. I am a healthy, educated, 35 year old woman. I have friends, a full time job, my own home and a wonderful family. Sounds like a great catch, right? That is what I thought until I entered the world of online dating. Since the breakup of my first long term relationship in my mid-twenties, I have been on and off the three most well known dating sites. I even met and lived with a man (out of wedlock-for SHAME!) I met on one of them. When our relationship ended, I was still quite hopeful that the right guy was out there: someone funny, employed, caring and who wanted children. The standards were completely reasonable, in my opinion. This should not be too hard to find…I am not looking for perfection…just an all around good guy. Simple enough, right? Not so much. Read on.
There are some “interesting” men out there. Granted, I am only writing this from my own female perspective. I have no doubt that some of my fellow females are running the good name of our gender into the ground as online daters as well. But since I am “woman seeking man” I can only share my own experiences in meeting various men. I participate in online dating for what I think are the right reasons: I am genuinely interested in meeting a man to build a relationship with and perhaps marry and have a family with one day. My pictures do look like me and there is not one untrue word in my profile. I have learned that I am in the minority here.
I have met men with sexual fetishes, men who mentioned their ex -wives repeatedly, men who were rude to our restaurant servers, men who didn’t look a thing like their profile pictures and men who asked me to have sex with them on the first date. (No judgment to those out there who do have sex on the first date, that is just not my personal choice). And, then there was “Ben”, a man who I hit it off with. Great phone chats that led up to a wonderful first date. He told me he thought I was beautiful and that he couldn’t wait to see me again. We set a date for three days later. You guessed it-I never heard from him again.
Men have instant messaged (IM’d) me and asked me-a stranger –if they could come to my apartment and have sex with me (um, no). I have had various men IM me asking me about my personal preferences in bed…it went something like this:
Him: Hey…how are ya?
Me: Good…you?
Him: Great…what kinds of things do you like in bed?
Ummmm, hello? Are you kidding me?
And let’s not forget Mickey. Mickey was a man I spotted online one Friday night and something about him caught my attention. So, I requested an IM session with him, and he complied. The fact that he lived on the other side of the country was definitely not working in my favor, but I told myself that I must keep an open mind to find love. You never know where that perfect mate is….
Mickey and I went on to have a terrific phone and IM relationship over the next couple of months. We had long talks deep into the night and our communication became part of our day to day. So, imagine my thrill when Mickey came to my town for a visit. To my delight, it was incredibly comfortable being face to face with him. I was reeling with excitement…until…well; let’s just say he had some difficulties in the bedroom. These were issues that he’d mentioned on the phone, but I either refused to acknowledge them or foolishly thought that I was the woman with who these difficulties would not appear. Boy was I off the mark on that one. After a few days of uncomfortable attempts, Mickey went to visit relatives who lived near my apartment, saying that he’d be back that night. He never returned. Bonus points for you if you saw that one coming---I sure didn’t. I will admit that I cried my eyes out over this one…I could not believe that another man had disappeared on me. But, after many discussions with my girlfriends about this (yes, Mickey, they know every detail now), I realized that this was about HIS fears and shortcomings (sorry about the choice of words here) and that he “ran” out of sheer embarrassment. Funnily enough, Mickey had left some clothes behind at my place. Eventually, off to the trash they went. I actually think I skipped to the dumpster to toss his stuff.
I don’t only rely on online dating, either…I put the word out to all of my friends that I am looking to meet someone special, and try not to decline an invitation anywhere…you never know where that special someone will be. But, being that I am an Elementary School teacher, and not a bar hopping kind of gal, online dating seems like a logical choice at the moment.
I know the old cliché: you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince, and have heard it from every friend and family member I share my dating tales with. At this point, I am going to need some serious lip balm from all this “kissing” I am metaphorically engaging in. Now, where did I put that Chapstick…
There are some “interesting” men out there. Granted, I am only writing this from my own female perspective. I have no doubt that some of my fellow females are running the good name of our gender into the ground as online daters as well. But since I am “woman seeking man” I can only share my own experiences in meeting various men. I participate in online dating for what I think are the right reasons: I am genuinely interested in meeting a man to build a relationship with and perhaps marry and have a family with one day. My pictures do look like me and there is not one untrue word in my profile. I have learned that I am in the minority here.
I have met men with sexual fetishes, men who mentioned their ex -wives repeatedly, men who were rude to our restaurant servers, men who didn’t look a thing like their profile pictures and men who asked me to have sex with them on the first date. (No judgment to those out there who do have sex on the first date, that is just not my personal choice). And, then there was “Ben”, a man who I hit it off with. Great phone chats that led up to a wonderful first date. He told me he thought I was beautiful and that he couldn’t wait to see me again. We set a date for three days later. You guessed it-I never heard from him again.
Men have instant messaged (IM’d) me and asked me-a stranger –if they could come to my apartment and have sex with me (um, no). I have had various men IM me asking me about my personal preferences in bed…it went something like this:
Him: Hey…how are ya?
Me: Good…you?
Him: Great…what kinds of things do you like in bed?
Ummmm, hello? Are you kidding me?
And let’s not forget Mickey. Mickey was a man I spotted online one Friday night and something about him caught my attention. So, I requested an IM session with him, and he complied. The fact that he lived on the other side of the country was definitely not working in my favor, but I told myself that I must keep an open mind to find love. You never know where that perfect mate is….
Mickey and I went on to have a terrific phone and IM relationship over the next couple of months. We had long talks deep into the night and our communication became part of our day to day. So, imagine my thrill when Mickey came to my town for a visit. To my delight, it was incredibly comfortable being face to face with him. I was reeling with excitement…until…well; let’s just say he had some difficulties in the bedroom. These were issues that he’d mentioned on the phone, but I either refused to acknowledge them or foolishly thought that I was the woman with who these difficulties would not appear. Boy was I off the mark on that one. After a few days of uncomfortable attempts, Mickey went to visit relatives who lived near my apartment, saying that he’d be back that night. He never returned. Bonus points for you if you saw that one coming---I sure didn’t. I will admit that I cried my eyes out over this one…I could not believe that another man had disappeared on me. But, after many discussions with my girlfriends about this (yes, Mickey, they know every detail now), I realized that this was about HIS fears and shortcomings (sorry about the choice of words here) and that he “ran” out of sheer embarrassment. Funnily enough, Mickey had left some clothes behind at my place. Eventually, off to the trash they went. I actually think I skipped to the dumpster to toss his stuff.
I don’t only rely on online dating, either…I put the word out to all of my friends that I am looking to meet someone special, and try not to decline an invitation anywhere…you never know where that special someone will be. But, being that I am an Elementary School teacher, and not a bar hopping kind of gal, online dating seems like a logical choice at the moment.
I know the old cliché: you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince, and have heard it from every friend and family member I share my dating tales with. At this point, I am going to need some serious lip balm from all this “kissing” I am metaphorically engaging in. Now, where did I put that Chapstick…
8.04.2009
It's All Around Me...
On my way home from a lovely girl's lunch last week, I happened upon this billboard...
See? It's all around me. Remiders that women are everywhere perhaps should feel somethng is missing if you are, indeed, single.
I am a big TV watcher. And a hopeless romantic. Dangerous combination when watching the commercials created to let people know that online dating sites have changed the lives of former singletons who have entered the exclusive world of couplehood. It all starts with a monthly membership fee and the click of a mouse. I watch these people twirling around my TV screen, professing their love for one another. It actually makes me think that I too can find the love of my life with a credit card and some time. I turn off the TV, go on with my day, and think...hmmm...maybe I should join too. That, my friend, is some good advertising. (Note: I have been a member of this particular site, but am not at the moment)
Whether on TV or a billboard, it is, all around me. What exactly you may ask, is all around me? I am referring to the notion that couplehood is more important that being a single person. The idea that life is complete if you have someone to cook dinner with at night. It's like when you get a blue car; you notice everyone around you has a blue car too. Same goes for this kind of thing: I am single and 35. I notice couples and families out there. Sue me.
But, the younger version of Julie the dater, I admit, felt that my life would be more complete if I were part of a couple. But, as I age, I come to realize that, yes, I absolutely do want to meet that special someone to share my life with. The difference now is that I am already very happy with what is all around me-now. A great family, terrific friends and a job I love. THAT is the stuff I want to keep all around me. Anything or anyone else will be the icing on an already pretty delicious cake.
7.29.2009
Follow Through
There is an awesome song out there called "Follow Through" by Gavin DeGraw. The words go a little something like this : If you want to be with me, you have to follow through with every word you say." There is obviously more to this song, but that is the general idea. It seems like such a simple concept-right? Yes, in the real world. In the online dating world, maybe not.
I have had some great dates with men. Dates where you feel a certain spark or connection. Dates where you think at the very least: this is someone I'd like to get to know better. When the date ends, many men tell me they will call me again. Of the men I actually hear back from, there is often another date planned. Here's where it gets strange: some of these men then vanish. Disappear. Move to another country that does not have phones or Internet (hey, a girl's gotta tell herself whatever she can to help her sleep). But when I am not lying to myself, I do face the reality: he's just not that into dating me. That is fine...really. Not everyone wants to date everyone. But, then please, don't make plans with me and then fall of the face of the Earth. In other words: follow through.
What are you afraid of? If you contact me and tell me that we are not right to date, do you think that I will go off on some tangent about how men are horrible, indecisive creatures who cannot and will not commit? I wouldn't say that, because I don't think it's true. What I would do in that situation (given the opportunity), is thank him for his honesty. Really.
I have had to give the "thanks but no thanks" line. (I word it much nicer than that, promise). And everyone I have ever said this to has thanked me for my honesty. I showed them the respect they deserved as a human being and treated like them someone with feelings.
I try very hard to keep my dating karma super clean because I believe beyond the shadow of a doubt that what goes around comes around. So, I treat others the way I would want to be treated. And if you are dating, (or walking around out there in general) I highly recommend you make a special point to do the very same.
Take a listen to the song I referenced above. The words help me remember what separates the men from the boys.
I have had some great dates with men. Dates where you feel a certain spark or connection. Dates where you think at the very least: this is someone I'd like to get to know better. When the date ends, many men tell me they will call me again. Of the men I actually hear back from, there is often another date planned. Here's where it gets strange: some of these men then vanish. Disappear. Move to another country that does not have phones or Internet (hey, a girl's gotta tell herself whatever she can to help her sleep). But when I am not lying to myself, I do face the reality: he's just not that into dating me. That is fine...really. Not everyone wants to date everyone. But, then please, don't make plans with me and then fall of the face of the Earth. In other words: follow through.
What are you afraid of? If you contact me and tell me that we are not right to date, do you think that I will go off on some tangent about how men are horrible, indecisive creatures who cannot and will not commit? I wouldn't say that, because I don't think it's true. What I would do in that situation (given the opportunity), is thank him for his honesty. Really.
I have had to give the "thanks but no thanks" line. (I word it much nicer than that, promise). And everyone I have ever said this to has thanked me for my honesty. I showed them the respect they deserved as a human being and treated like them someone with feelings.
I try very hard to keep my dating karma super clean because I believe beyond the shadow of a doubt that what goes around comes around. So, I treat others the way I would want to be treated. And if you are dating, (or walking around out there in general) I highly recommend you make a special point to do the very same.
Take a listen to the song I referenced above. The words help me remember what separates the men from the boys.
7.26.2009
Run Away...
When I told my friend Mark the following story, he used two smiple words :"Run Away." When I told my cousin Dara (one of my many, many recruited dating therapists) the same story, she said "Get up, go to the sink and wash your hands, because you're done with this person."
This story is a little more unusual than the other stories I have to tell. I think it's an attention grabber...but you be the judge.
When I started chatting with Jay, he was funny and conversational. He was educated, polite, well spoken and gainfully employed. Too good to be true? You betcha.
Our first date was really nice. There seemed to be some chemistry, and we had great conversation and lots of laughs. He even called the very next night. Wow.
During the course of the next week, we communicated via text messaging (a technological blessing as well as a curse) and I got the sense that he was super busy at work, which I fully understood. He doesn't work in a button factory looking for irregulars, he does have a stressful, demanding job. When we finally did connect voice to voice, I was really happy to hear from him. I asked him how his week was and he launced into a full scale rant about all the things that are wrong with his job, and then his life. Whoa partner! We've had one date...
I suggested that I would understand if given all the stresses in his life at the moment, if he felt he wasn't ready to date at this time. (I am just that wonderfully understanding and supportive). He insisted that was not the case. So, then, in a grand effort to keep things light and breezy, I suggested that we meet for a quick coffee over the weekend and not talk about work, but lighter fare. Silence. I mean look at my phone to see if we got disconnected silence followed by, "Look Julie, I'm in a bad mood and don't know what my plans are." Alrighty, then.
I wanted to get off the phone...badly. So, I told him that I hope he felt better and that we would touch base whenever we touched base. The snap shut of my phone was almost immediately followed by a lengthy apology text from Jay, regretting his poor conversational skills that evening.
Hey, look: I am the Queen of bad days and grumpy moods. However, I generally stay off the phone when I am feeling this way for fear of making someone in my life feel bad if I grump at them. But, I would never, I repeat never, show this color to someone I have had just one date with. If I can't ask you how work is going without you going nuts on me, what's going to happen the 376th time I ask you to put the toilet seat down? I'm not gonna stick around to find out the answer to that one.
Two days later, Jay called me to offer a formal apology for what happened 48 hours before. Then he asked me out for coffee. I quickly tried to explain that I didn't think we are meant to date, but I wish him the best of luck. His response? "I can't apologize anymore for what I did.". Um, I'm not asking you to, I just want to get off the phone! The conversation then spiraled into an odd tangent of Jay asking me if I am angry and would I snub him if I bumped into him in public oneday. Hello? One date. We've had one date...he was acting as if we were ending a six month relationship, rather than a six hour one. And I thought I was the winner of the little game called "beating a dead horse.". I've been de-throned.
After 20 some-odd taxing minutes of this ridiculous merry-go-round, we wished one another the best of luck (something I tried to do 17 minutes before) and ended our bizarre little connection along with our phone call.
Wow.
I am not a quitter, but Mark was right...I was so glad to, from this one, run away. And thanks to Dara's words of wisdom, my hands are squeaky clean.
This story is a little more unusual than the other stories I have to tell. I think it's an attention grabber...but you be the judge.
When I started chatting with Jay, he was funny and conversational. He was educated, polite, well spoken and gainfully employed. Too good to be true? You betcha.
Our first date was really nice. There seemed to be some chemistry, and we had great conversation and lots of laughs. He even called the very next night. Wow.
During the course of the next week, we communicated via text messaging (a technological blessing as well as a curse) and I got the sense that he was super busy at work, which I fully understood. He doesn't work in a button factory looking for irregulars, he does have a stressful, demanding job. When we finally did connect voice to voice, I was really happy to hear from him. I asked him how his week was and he launced into a full scale rant about all the things that are wrong with his job, and then his life. Whoa partner! We've had one date...
I suggested that I would understand if given all the stresses in his life at the moment, if he felt he wasn't ready to date at this time. (I am just that wonderfully understanding and supportive). He insisted that was not the case. So, then, in a grand effort to keep things light and breezy, I suggested that we meet for a quick coffee over the weekend and not talk about work, but lighter fare. Silence. I mean look at my phone to see if we got disconnected silence followed by, "Look Julie, I'm in a bad mood and don't know what my plans are." Alrighty, then.
I wanted to get off the phone...badly. So, I told him that I hope he felt better and that we would touch base whenever we touched base. The snap shut of my phone was almost immediately followed by a lengthy apology text from Jay, regretting his poor conversational skills that evening.
Hey, look: I am the Queen of bad days and grumpy moods. However, I generally stay off the phone when I am feeling this way for fear of making someone in my life feel bad if I grump at them. But, I would never, I repeat never, show this color to someone I have had just one date with. If I can't ask you how work is going without you going nuts on me, what's going to happen the 376th time I ask you to put the toilet seat down? I'm not gonna stick around to find out the answer to that one.
Two days later, Jay called me to offer a formal apology for what happened 48 hours before. Then he asked me out for coffee. I quickly tried to explain that I didn't think we are meant to date, but I wish him the best of luck. His response? "I can't apologize anymore for what I did.". Um, I'm not asking you to, I just want to get off the phone! The conversation then spiraled into an odd tangent of Jay asking me if I am angry and would I snub him if I bumped into him in public oneday. Hello? One date. We've had one date...he was acting as if we were ending a six month relationship, rather than a six hour one. And I thought I was the winner of the little game called "beating a dead horse.". I've been de-throned.
After 20 some-odd taxing minutes of this ridiculous merry-go-round, we wished one another the best of luck (something I tried to do 17 minutes before) and ended our bizarre little connection along with our phone call.
Wow.
I am not a quitter, but Mark was right...I was so glad to, from this one, run away. And thanks to Dara's words of wisdom, my hands are squeaky clean.
7.24.2009
First Impressions
I am going to be honest here: the pictures of myself I have posted on these dating sites are indeed recent. Recent and flattering. There's no picture of me with no make-up, messy hair or not smiling. Is that someone you'd want to contact, let alone date? I am no supermodel, but I can hold my own in the looks department (my mom says so!) and want to give men a true representation of real me.
I often "browse" the profiles online...shallow or not, I open the profiles of the men I find physically attractive. Once I read their profiles, I am given more insight as to whether or not I think we would hit it off in the future. But it all starts with that picture---that first impression.
I continue to be baffled at the pictures some men post. I have seen pictures of men with hands over half of their face, scowling, smoking, drinking and my personal favorite, pictures with women who are obviously not their mothers. That makes me hesitate---big time. I am instantly made to think that this guy hangs around with women every night of the week and could not possibly have room for one more in his life.
You gotta think about the first impression! What will draw a potential mate into your profile? How can I come across as myself, albeit the most wonderful, perfect, you're not going to be able to live without me version of myself? For starters, all of my pictures are of me. Alone. They are all close up. Why, oh, why would I want to see a picture of you standing far, far away? If I can't see your eye color, you're too far away.
I have had first hand experience with this one. I saw a profile that was super funny and witty. I was intrigued, but his picture was from a distance. So, I really couldn't tell what this man looked like. I fought my instincts and contacted him anyway. In the end, we met for coffee (I should buy stock in one particular coffeehouse, I spend so many first dates there), and I saw just WHY his picture was not a close-up. Next.
So, if you are reading this and are also an online dater, please know that these are the things that are good choices in profile pictures: solo and up close, little kids (maybe mention who they are in your profile--yours or loaners from friends), pictures with pets, and the like. Poor choices include: group pictures (why are you hiding behind that person at the bar? Hey, your friend on the right is pretty damn cute...is he single, too?), far away pictures and pictures of a person with the opposite sex. And for heavens sake, smile!
As much as we say that we know that looks fade and are not the most important thing in the world, no one initiates contact with a person they don't find attractive. Right or wrong, that's the way it goes. So, put your best face forward and upload a flattering, smiley picture of yourself. Because, as the saying goes: you never get a second chance to make a first impression. And with thousands of people online at any given moment, you've got to make that first impression a good one.
I often "browse" the profiles online...shallow or not, I open the profiles of the men I find physically attractive. Once I read their profiles, I am given more insight as to whether or not I think we would hit it off in the future. But it all starts with that picture---that first impression.
I continue to be baffled at the pictures some men post. I have seen pictures of men with hands over half of their face, scowling, smoking, drinking and my personal favorite, pictures with women who are obviously not their mothers. That makes me hesitate---big time. I am instantly made to think that this guy hangs around with women every night of the week and could not possibly have room for one more in his life.
You gotta think about the first impression! What will draw a potential mate into your profile? How can I come across as myself, albeit the most wonderful, perfect, you're not going to be able to live without me version of myself? For starters, all of my pictures are of me. Alone. They are all close up. Why, oh, why would I want to see a picture of you standing far, far away? If I can't see your eye color, you're too far away.
I have had first hand experience with this one. I saw a profile that was super funny and witty. I was intrigued, but his picture was from a distance. So, I really couldn't tell what this man looked like. I fought my instincts and contacted him anyway. In the end, we met for coffee (I should buy stock in one particular coffeehouse, I spend so many first dates there), and I saw just WHY his picture was not a close-up. Next.
So, if you are reading this and are also an online dater, please know that these are the things that are good choices in profile pictures: solo and up close, little kids (maybe mention who they are in your profile--yours or loaners from friends), pictures with pets, and the like. Poor choices include: group pictures (why are you hiding behind that person at the bar? Hey, your friend on the right is pretty damn cute...is he single, too?), far away pictures and pictures of a person with the opposite sex. And for heavens sake, smile!
As much as we say that we know that looks fade and are not the most important thing in the world, no one initiates contact with a person they don't find attractive. Right or wrong, that's the way it goes. So, put your best face forward and upload a flattering, smiley picture of yourself. Because, as the saying goes: you never get a second chance to make a first impression. And with thousands of people online at any given moment, you've got to make that first impression a good one.
7.18.2009
The Ex-Files
I am sure there are people with no dating history to speak of who are trying to date online. The majority of us, however, do not fall into that category. I would feel safe in saying that 99.9% of the men's profile's I have seen, clicked on and/or send a wink to represent a man with an ex-girlfriend or two---or nine. These profiles represent men who have broken some hearts, have had their hearts broken and have had a major fight with their former significant others over taco shells...or was that one just me?
Nontheless, my point is that we all have a romantic past. Some are less upsetting than others, but we all pretty much have some form of baggage. Some need a bellhop to help them carry it, while the lucky ones just have a small carry-on that will slide right into the overhead compartment.
No matter the baggage size, when, if ever, is it ok to discuss/disclose your daing history to your potential new mate? I have met men that thought it was ok to share the sordid details of their past relationships over coffee within our first 20 minutes of our first meeting.
Exhibit A: I met Ken at a coffeehouse and right away I could tell that he was not the one. He kissed me on the cheek (fresh from the Gym, might I add and he was still, um, damp--strike one--get a towel. Do the words 'first impression' ring a bell?) and called me "Babe". I speak for myself, but I HATE that! Maybe he was a serial dater and couldn't recall my name, but I haven't been anyone's "babe" since I was in a crib in the room next to my parents some 30-odd years ago.
Strike two.
We sit down and he starts talking about his daughter. Ok, proud Dad-I get it. But that daughter had to come from somewhere...you guessed it...an ex. Ken then proceeded to tell me all about his ex wife and how their marriage began and ended. She was now remarried and he was totally fine with that. He made a point of mentioning it-numerous times. Maybe it's just me, but if someone needs to convince you of something, they are likely trying to convince themselves of it as well. Like the time I told my cat that eating cheesecake while standing up leaning over the sink helps me consume less calories. Yeah, right.
Strike three.
I did not care about his ex, his ex's new husband or anything of the like. Certainly not on our first little coffee meeting. In turn, I was not interested in dating this man. He came across like a person who was still hung up on their ex and I feel safe I speak for all daters out there--that's just plain unappealing.
Opening the ex-files is a huge no-no during the first couple of meetings with someone. Other off limit topics during this time frame include: baby names, committment phobias, how your dream wedding has been planned in your head since you were 11, mean things a former friend may say about you if asked, one night stands you may have had, etc. The list goes on.
All, right, so what CAN we talk about, you may ask, Ms. Online Dater Smartie Pants? That list is extensive as well: travel, educational backgrounds, art, childhoods (happy memories only, people!), movies, music, nieces and nephews, pets, volunteer work, sports, favorite restaurants, friends, etc. This list goes on as well...I think you get the point.
But, please, wait until an appropriate time, deeper into the relationship, to pick your moment to share your ex-files. If you have a dire need to do such sharing on a first date, well, don't...and think about whether or not you're really ready to be back out there.
Nontheless, my point is that we all have a romantic past. Some are less upsetting than others, but we all pretty much have some form of baggage. Some need a bellhop to help them carry it, while the lucky ones just have a small carry-on that will slide right into the overhead compartment.
No matter the baggage size, when, if ever, is it ok to discuss/disclose your daing history to your potential new mate? I have met men that thought it was ok to share the sordid details of their past relationships over coffee within our first 20 minutes of our first meeting.
Exhibit A: I met Ken at a coffeehouse and right away I could tell that he was not the one. He kissed me on the cheek (fresh from the Gym, might I add and he was still, um, damp--strike one--get a towel. Do the words 'first impression' ring a bell?) and called me "Babe". I speak for myself, but I HATE that! Maybe he was a serial dater and couldn't recall my name, but I haven't been anyone's "babe" since I was in a crib in the room next to my parents some 30-odd years ago.
Strike two.
We sit down and he starts talking about his daughter. Ok, proud Dad-I get it. But that daughter had to come from somewhere...you guessed it...an ex. Ken then proceeded to tell me all about his ex wife and how their marriage began and ended. She was now remarried and he was totally fine with that. He made a point of mentioning it-numerous times. Maybe it's just me, but if someone needs to convince you of something, they are likely trying to convince themselves of it as well. Like the time I told my cat that eating cheesecake while standing up leaning over the sink helps me consume less calories. Yeah, right.
Strike three.
I did not care about his ex, his ex's new husband or anything of the like. Certainly not on our first little coffee meeting. In turn, I was not interested in dating this man. He came across like a person who was still hung up on their ex and I feel safe I speak for all daters out there--that's just plain unappealing.
Opening the ex-files is a huge no-no during the first couple of meetings with someone. Other off limit topics during this time frame include: baby names, committment phobias, how your dream wedding has been planned in your head since you were 11, mean things a former friend may say about you if asked, one night stands you may have had, etc. The list goes on.
All, right, so what CAN we talk about, you may ask, Ms. Online Dater Smartie Pants? That list is extensive as well: travel, educational backgrounds, art, childhoods (happy memories only, people!), movies, music, nieces and nephews, pets, volunteer work, sports, favorite restaurants, friends, etc. This list goes on as well...I think you get the point.
But, please, wait until an appropriate time, deeper into the relationship, to pick your moment to share your ex-files. If you have a dire need to do such sharing on a first date, well, don't...and think about whether or not you're really ready to be back out there.
7.14.2009
Randomness...
As you know, I am an online dater. If you weren't aware of that for some reason, check out the title of this blog. Nevertheless, someone who is actively searching for a mate (me) spends a fair amount of time (ok, too much time) thinking and wondering about how and when this part of my life will fall into place.
I am lucky enough to be surrounded by terrific people in my life. Despite the fact that they are happily involved in relationships and I am not, I love them anyway. Each of these couples has met in such random ways...
My parents don't count. They are from a totally different generation where people marry their high school sweethearts. He was a basketball player, she was a cheerleader. The rest is history.
My sister met her husband on an elevator. AN ELEVATOR. How random is that? If she or my brother in law had gotten on that elevator 60 seconds later, my nephew would have never been born. Unfathomable.
I know someone else who reconnected with her then-acquaintance-and-now husband because she picked up a hometown publication and, happy for her "old friend" that he was achieving a professional goal of his, e-mailed him to wish him congratulations. I was their Maid of Honor this past October.
I am not saying people don't meet their soulmates through the online dating forum. I personally know some happy couples who have. But, the contradition to this is that people always tell me, "you'll find him when you stop looking." Here's the thing: the times I've been out of the online dating world and was "not looking", no one knocked on my door to ask me out on a date.
So, I stay online and keep looking and hope that I have my own "random" story to tell at some point. It may go something like this: 'I was JUST about to logoff and an IM from him popped up, and we typed 'til the sun came up. ' A little different from the basketball player and cheerleader story, but, hey, it'll be my story.
I am lucky enough to be surrounded by terrific people in my life. Despite the fact that they are happily involved in relationships and I am not, I love them anyway. Each of these couples has met in such random ways...
My parents don't count. They are from a totally different generation where people marry their high school sweethearts. He was a basketball player, she was a cheerleader. The rest is history.
My sister met her husband on an elevator. AN ELEVATOR. How random is that? If she or my brother in law had gotten on that elevator 60 seconds later, my nephew would have never been born. Unfathomable.
I know someone else who reconnected with her then-acquaintance-and-now husband because she picked up a hometown publication and, happy for her "old friend" that he was achieving a professional goal of his, e-mailed him to wish him congratulations. I was their Maid of Honor this past October.
I am not saying people don't meet their soulmates through the online dating forum. I personally know some happy couples who have. But, the contradition to this is that people always tell me, "you'll find him when you stop looking." Here's the thing: the times I've been out of the online dating world and was "not looking", no one knocked on my door to ask me out on a date.
So, I stay online and keep looking and hope that I have my own "random" story to tell at some point. It may go something like this: 'I was JUST about to logoff and an IM from him popped up, and we typed 'til the sun came up. ' A little different from the basketball player and cheerleader story, but, hey, it'll be my story.
7.07.2009
The Waiting Game
Many people may think that the time leading up to the first date is the most stressful part of dating. Will he like me? Will I like him? Will there be an attraction? Will he look anything like his picture?
So, you choose your outfit, take extra time for hair and make-up and meet this mystery man. And lo and behold, you have a great time...you laugh, you flirt, you feel that certain 'something'. Just before you part ways, he says that he will call you soon. You go home with a smile on your face, congratulating yourself on a successful first date.
Hard part's over, right?
Not so much.
Now, the worst part begins...the waiting game.
If you are one of the lucky girls who dated a straight-forward guy, then you will likely hear back from your date in a reasonable amount of time. But, if you are like the 99.9% of other female daters out there, the next couple of days are filled with waiting and wondering. Did he like me? Was he attracted to me? Did I have some food particle in my teeth for three hours that he saw, but never told me about, and now everytime he thinks of me, all he can see is a piece of spinach stuck in teeth? Is he just not interested at all, or is he playing the "waiting game", so as not to seem too eager? Help!
As I write this, I am, indeed, in the midst of the waiting game. After what I thought was a very successful first date, I am, well, waiting. Not sitting in my house kind of waiting, but, I'm not gonna lie: I always know where my cell phone is-just in case.
But, honestly, does it really matter? Sure, it would be great to get to know this guy better and see what may ensue from here. But, I was 100% completely myself with him and if that's not the right fit, then we shouldn't be together. Every pot has a lid and maybe we're not the right kind of cookware for one another. Right? Right. But I am still wondering...
Oh...gotta go...I hear my cell phone! Fingers crossed.
So, you choose your outfit, take extra time for hair and make-up and meet this mystery man. And lo and behold, you have a great time...you laugh, you flirt, you feel that certain 'something'. Just before you part ways, he says that he will call you soon. You go home with a smile on your face, congratulating yourself on a successful first date.
Hard part's over, right?
Not so much.
Now, the worst part begins...the waiting game.
If you are one of the lucky girls who dated a straight-forward guy, then you will likely hear back from your date in a reasonable amount of time. But, if you are like the 99.9% of other female daters out there, the next couple of days are filled with waiting and wondering. Did he like me? Was he attracted to me? Did I have some food particle in my teeth for three hours that he saw, but never told me about, and now everytime he thinks of me, all he can see is a piece of spinach stuck in teeth? Is he just not interested at all, or is he playing the "waiting game", so as not to seem too eager? Help!
As I write this, I am, indeed, in the midst of the waiting game. After what I thought was a very successful first date, I am, well, waiting. Not sitting in my house kind of waiting, but, I'm not gonna lie: I always know where my cell phone is-just in case.
But, honestly, does it really matter? Sure, it would be great to get to know this guy better and see what may ensue from here. But, I was 100% completely myself with him and if that's not the right fit, then we shouldn't be together. Every pot has a lid and maybe we're not the right kind of cookware for one another. Right? Right. But I am still wondering...
Oh...gotta go...I hear my cell phone! Fingers crossed.
7.02.2009
Is It the Game or The Players?
In the world of online dating, people can be easily made to feel as if they are dispensible and replaceable. Not the best feeling in the world. That being said, I try very hard to always communicate with anyone who reaches out to me-even if it's 'thanks for the note, good luck to you." I have sent probably hundreds of winks, flirts and e-mails to potential mates online that have gone unreturned. (That doesn't make me sound too good, does it?)
The game for me has involved men not showing their best practices in staying true to their word. I will admit, I have done that as well on rare, rare occasion. You got me. Busted.
However, when the rare gem slides through who does reply, it usually goes like this: e-mails, phone call, date. So why when the even rarer gem appears that actually sends texts and/or calls when he says he's going to, do I sometimes begin to lose interest? Is it the game or the players?
This just happened recently: I got a text from someone who I was in between dates # 1 and 2 with. I looked at my phone, rolled my eyes and said to my cousin Dara,"why does he call or text every day?!". What she said next stuck in my brain: "When a guy goes M.I.A., you get pissed off. This one's actually following through and you're still pissed. What's that about?" The answer: I have no idea.
Maybe it's because I'm already pretty aware that he's not "The One". Maybe it's because I'm in love with "the chase"...you know: that ridiculous little game daters play to make the other one wonder, worry and wonder some more. Even though I'm pretty sure it's the former, not the latter, it made me think: is it the game (dating) or the players (that he and I are not the right fit?).
Since I am weeks away from officially being in my mid-thirties, I like to think that I am evolved enough to be past the thrill of the chase. I do, in all honesty want a reliable, communicative mate. Just not the wrong reliable, communicative mate.
I guess the fact that as I was preparing for date # 2, I briefly contenplated wearing my glasses told me something. I don't even like to wear my glasses to the grocery store. As I put in my contact lenses, I think I realized that I just don't feel a spark with this particular person. This made me feel more like it was the players, not the game, ansd less like a, well, bitch, to put it simply.
So, this player will stay in the game as long as I need to in order to find someone who I wouldn't dream of wearing my glasses in front of on our second date. Third date, maybe...
The game for me has involved men not showing their best practices in staying true to their word. I will admit, I have done that as well on rare, rare occasion. You got me. Busted.
However, when the rare gem slides through who does reply, it usually goes like this: e-mails, phone call, date. So why when the even rarer gem appears that actually sends texts and/or calls when he says he's going to, do I sometimes begin to lose interest? Is it the game or the players?
This just happened recently: I got a text from someone who I was in between dates # 1 and 2 with. I looked at my phone, rolled my eyes and said to my cousin Dara,"why does he call or text every day?!". What she said next stuck in my brain: "When a guy goes M.I.A., you get pissed off. This one's actually following through and you're still pissed. What's that about?" The answer: I have no idea.
Maybe it's because I'm already pretty aware that he's not "The One". Maybe it's because I'm in love with "the chase"...you know: that ridiculous little game daters play to make the other one wonder, worry and wonder some more. Even though I'm pretty sure it's the former, not the latter, it made me think: is it the game (dating) or the players (that he and I are not the right fit?).
Since I am weeks away from officially being in my mid-thirties, I like to think that I am evolved enough to be past the thrill of the chase. I do, in all honesty want a reliable, communicative mate. Just not the wrong reliable, communicative mate.
I guess the fact that as I was preparing for date # 2, I briefly contenplated wearing my glasses told me something. I don't even like to wear my glasses to the grocery store. As I put in my contact lenses, I think I realized that I just don't feel a spark with this particular person. This made me feel more like it was the players, not the game, ansd less like a, well, bitch, to put it simply.
So, this player will stay in the game as long as I need to in order to find someone who I wouldn't dream of wearing my glasses in front of on our second date. Third date, maybe...
6.30.2009
The Hit List
Although it's likely not true, I feel as if I've met every type of man there is out there to be met.
Cute guys
Nice guys
I wish they were at least my height guys
Guys who are Dads
Guys who kiss bad
Feminine walking guys
Don't let you get a word in edgewise when talking guys
Guys who are a bore
Guys who loudly snore
One afternoon guys
Never show up after saying "I'll see you soon" guys
Guys who are fake
Guys who just take, take, take
Sweet guys
All they are looking for is meat guys
Guys I wish I didn't know
Guys I've had to let go
Guys with big hearts
Guys with whom I was hopeful to start
Guys with who I wish there was no end to the night
I've met them all...except for Mr. Right
Cute guys
Nice guys
I wish they were at least my height guys
Guys who are Dads
Guys who kiss bad
Feminine walking guys
Don't let you get a word in edgewise when talking guys
Guys who are a bore
Guys who loudly snore
One afternoon guys
Never show up after saying "I'll see you soon" guys
Guys who are fake
Guys who just take, take, take
Sweet guys
All they are looking for is meat guys
Guys I wish I didn't know
Guys I've had to let go
Guys with big hearts
Guys with whom I was hopeful to start
Guys with who I wish there was no end to the night
I've met them all...except for Mr. Right
6.21.2009
You Can't Make This Stuff Up!
I have a serious crush on the actor that plays Dr. Troy on Nip/Tuck. Julian McMahon is sexy, tall and has an australian accent. So, naturally, when I was crusing profiles online, and saw someone who resembeled Mr. McMahon, I contacted him.
Much to my surprise, this tall, sexy man contacted me back. After a couple of rounds of e-mails, he asked for my number. A number popped up shortly thereafter that I didn't recognize, so I let it go to voicemail. After dialing my voicemail passcode, I heard something I couldn't believe: this tall, sexy man who reminded me of my crush had...an accent! I instantly had butterflies.
I waitited a respectable amount of time to return his call (40 seconds is respectable, right?) and we instantly hit it off. He was funny-sarcastic funny-my favorite kind, well spoken and easy to talk to. Our schedules legitimately kept a first date at bay for two weeks, but after a couple of days, we fell into a routine of calls and texts.
Our first date was a weeknight in April. We met up and hopped in his convertible for a drive. Normally, a coffee house is much more my first date speed, but I went in full force on this one. We drove to the beach, talking, joking and laughing the whole way. But, there was a voice in my head that said that this man was not my prince charming. Maybe it was the fact that the collar of his hot pink polo was turned up... I support a man's right to wear pink, but this was, well, too pink.
In the interest of thinking outside the box and keeping an open mind, I pushed the voice away and really did enjoy the evening. Once we got to the beach, we had a really lovely time. Ok, his walk was swagger-less and he carried an, um, "man bag" kind of thing that was Louis Vuitton. Obviously a man of taste, right? Maybe a little too much taste.
So, we parted ways and I proceeded to e-mail my friends a detailed account of my evening. I mentioned the beach, the drive, the accent, but left out the words hot, pink, man and bag. I knew what this man was made of, but failed to type my suspicions to my friends.
Later that day, the most infamous text in my personal texting hisory reached my inbox. It was from Mr. Manbag. It went a little something like this "I meant to tell you that I'm bisexual". Pardon? My heart stopped for a second, despite the fact that I knew something was a little too rainbow colored for me all along. The text I sent back requested clarification. Why I bothered, I don't know. Don't get me wrong: I am all for the wavers of the rainbow flag. In fact, one of my dearest friends in the world is a gay man. But, when I picture my wedding someday, it does not involve the groom looking more fabulous in a wedding dress than me.
My clarification from Mr. Manbag was actually a rude and sexually explicit retort. I was angry, embarassed and well, DONE. I was angry at myself for ignoring my gut, embarassed because I pursued this and done with this person because, well, wouldn't you be at this point?
More than a year later, as I write these words, I think about the fact that I am so grateful I went on that date. It's a great, funny story to tell and maybe somewhere down the line, I will bump into Mr. Manbag and pass along my gay friend's number.
Much to my surprise, this tall, sexy man contacted me back. After a couple of rounds of e-mails, he asked for my number. A number popped up shortly thereafter that I didn't recognize, so I let it go to voicemail. After dialing my voicemail passcode, I heard something I couldn't believe: this tall, sexy man who reminded me of my crush had...an accent! I instantly had butterflies.
I waitited a respectable amount of time to return his call (40 seconds is respectable, right?) and we instantly hit it off. He was funny-sarcastic funny-my favorite kind, well spoken and easy to talk to. Our schedules legitimately kept a first date at bay for two weeks, but after a couple of days, we fell into a routine of calls and texts.
Our first date was a weeknight in April. We met up and hopped in his convertible for a drive. Normally, a coffee house is much more my first date speed, but I went in full force on this one. We drove to the beach, talking, joking and laughing the whole way. But, there was a voice in my head that said that this man was not my prince charming. Maybe it was the fact that the collar of his hot pink polo was turned up... I support a man's right to wear pink, but this was, well, too pink.
In the interest of thinking outside the box and keeping an open mind, I pushed the voice away and really did enjoy the evening. Once we got to the beach, we had a really lovely time. Ok, his walk was swagger-less and he carried an, um, "man bag" kind of thing that was Louis Vuitton. Obviously a man of taste, right? Maybe a little too much taste.
So, we parted ways and I proceeded to e-mail my friends a detailed account of my evening. I mentioned the beach, the drive, the accent, but left out the words hot, pink, man and bag. I knew what this man was made of, but failed to type my suspicions to my friends.
Later that day, the most infamous text in my personal texting hisory reached my inbox. It was from Mr. Manbag. It went a little something like this "I meant to tell you that I'm bisexual". Pardon? My heart stopped for a second, despite the fact that I knew something was a little too rainbow colored for me all along. The text I sent back requested clarification. Why I bothered, I don't know. Don't get me wrong: I am all for the wavers of the rainbow flag. In fact, one of my dearest friends in the world is a gay man. But, when I picture my wedding someday, it does not involve the groom looking more fabulous in a wedding dress than me.
My clarification from Mr. Manbag was actually a rude and sexually explicit retort. I was angry, embarassed and well, DONE. I was angry at myself for ignoring my gut, embarassed because I pursued this and done with this person because, well, wouldn't you be at this point?
More than a year later, as I write these words, I think about the fact that I am so grateful I went on that date. It's a great, funny story to tell and maybe somewhere down the line, I will bump into Mr. Manbag and pass along my gay friend's number.
6.17.2009
Oops, I Did It...Again
Anyone who knows me, knows that I may be a halfway decent writer, but have been known to put my foot in my mouth. A lot.
Exhibit A: I was a waitress a long time ago, and, as I was taking a customer's order, asked when she was due. You guessed it: she was not pregnant. Nor was she going to leave me a tip at the end of her meal served to her by the dumbest woman alive. Note to self: never ask that question unless you see a woman's water break in front of you.
You would think that would teach me to think ahead and be more careful, right? Nope, not me.
Last year, I went on a first date with Don. We had a nice enough time and I was open to getting to know him better. However, as any dater knows, it's either feast or famine. Drought or downpour-you get the point. Since I had been chatting with Don, I had also connected with Tom online. Tom and I had been exchanging e-mails, and he finally asked for my number, stating in an e-mail that he'd call me early that week. Back to Don: we had also exchanged numbers prior to meeting and being "Supersticious Sally", I never put men's numbers in my cell as an official contact for fear that I was never going to see their name pop up on my caller id.
So, as I expected, my cell phone rang early in the week as Tom had promised. Naturally, the number was not familiar to me, so I assumed it was Tom. I sat up straight, cleared my throat and answered with a smooth "hello...". A man's voice said, "Hi Julie" and I said, "oh, hey, Tom." Do you see where this is going? Yes, you guessed it...it was not Tom, but Don, the date from the night before. OOPS! Don was upset and I was beyond embarrassed...the magnitude was up there with my faux pas with the seemingly pregnant woman I waited on years before.
Now, after one date, I was certainly far, far away from being in any kind of committed place with Don. It was well within my right to see other men at the same time, but I would never intentionally shove that in someone's face. So, right off the bat with Don, feelings were hurt and tensions were a bit high. Date number two was filled with little jabs by Don about my phone error. Maybe I deserved it, mabe I didn't, but we never did make it to date number three.
Oh, and what happened with Tom, you may wonder? Nada. He never called.
Something constructive did come from this little situation: the next time I exchanged numbers with someone, I put those digits right into my contacts. Deleting a number from your cell is sooooo much simpler than saying you're sorry.
Exhibit A: I was a waitress a long time ago, and, as I was taking a customer's order, asked when she was due. You guessed it: she was not pregnant. Nor was she going to leave me a tip at the end of her meal served to her by the dumbest woman alive. Note to self: never ask that question unless you see a woman's water break in front of you.
You would think that would teach me to think ahead and be more careful, right? Nope, not me.
Last year, I went on a first date with Don. We had a nice enough time and I was open to getting to know him better. However, as any dater knows, it's either feast or famine. Drought or downpour-you get the point. Since I had been chatting with Don, I had also connected with Tom online. Tom and I had been exchanging e-mails, and he finally asked for my number, stating in an e-mail that he'd call me early that week. Back to Don: we had also exchanged numbers prior to meeting and being "Supersticious Sally", I never put men's numbers in my cell as an official contact for fear that I was never going to see their name pop up on my caller id.
So, as I expected, my cell phone rang early in the week as Tom had promised. Naturally, the number was not familiar to me, so I assumed it was Tom. I sat up straight, cleared my throat and answered with a smooth "hello...". A man's voice said, "Hi Julie" and I said, "oh, hey, Tom." Do you see where this is going? Yes, you guessed it...it was not Tom, but Don, the date from the night before. OOPS! Don was upset and I was beyond embarrassed...the magnitude was up there with my faux pas with the seemingly pregnant woman I waited on years before.
Now, after one date, I was certainly far, far away from being in any kind of committed place with Don. It was well within my right to see other men at the same time, but I would never intentionally shove that in someone's face. So, right off the bat with Don, feelings were hurt and tensions were a bit high. Date number two was filled with little jabs by Don about my phone error. Maybe I deserved it, mabe I didn't, but we never did make it to date number three.
Oh, and what happened with Tom, you may wonder? Nada. He never called.
Something constructive did come from this little situation: the next time I exchanged numbers with someone, I put those digits right into my contacts. Deleting a number from your cell is sooooo much simpler than saying you're sorry.
6.11.2009
Don't Forget to Write...
Ok, so it's happened to all of us in the online dating world. You see someone who piques your interest, so you carefully type out a cute, wtity, short and sweet e-mail to express your interest.
Spelling and grammar error- free: check
Reference to something they wrote in their profile to show that you did indeed read it: check
Subltle little hints at how amazing and wonderful you are and that they'd be nuts to not date you: check
Hitting the send icon: check
Cue the crickets.
I am not a supermodel, nor am I the ugliest woman on the planet. I'm fairly attractive. People besides my mom have told me so. So, what's with the silence after the send button is hit?
I wish I knew.
I will be honest-it lends itself to the thinking that there is something majorly wrong that comes across in your profile pictures that can't be seen in one's own reflection in the mirror. Logically, that's not it. There has to be a reason-a real reason.
One of the nicest "rejections" I have ever gotten was recently. I e-mailed someone who was of interest to me and he wrote me back thanking me for the note and wishing me luck in my search. There is was...he was not interested in dating me, but at least he told me so. That's how it's done-no element of the unknown, and exercising the manners and, quite frankly, respect to let someone know that you are not on the same page. Bravo to you, BaseballBill0473*!
So, the short of it is this: when someone puts themself out there and reaches out, write them back...good or bad, they deserve to know. True, you don't owe them a thing...you paid your monthly fee to use the service and are free to do so anyway you choose, but doing wht's right takes an extra 10 seconds. That is time well spent-I promise.
*I have no idea who BaseballBill0473 is...I totally made that username up.
Spelling and grammar error- free: check
Reference to something they wrote in their profile to show that you did indeed read it: check
Subltle little hints at how amazing and wonderful you are and that they'd be nuts to not date you: check
Hitting the send icon: check
Cue the crickets.
I am not a supermodel, nor am I the ugliest woman on the planet. I'm fairly attractive. People besides my mom have told me so. So, what's with the silence after the send button is hit?
I wish I knew.
I will be honest-it lends itself to the thinking that there is something majorly wrong that comes across in your profile pictures that can't be seen in one's own reflection in the mirror. Logically, that's not it. There has to be a reason-a real reason.
One of the nicest "rejections" I have ever gotten was recently. I e-mailed someone who was of interest to me and he wrote me back thanking me for the note and wishing me luck in my search. There is was...he was not interested in dating me, but at least he told me so. That's how it's done-no element of the unknown, and exercising the manners and, quite frankly, respect to let someone know that you are not on the same page. Bravo to you, BaseballBill0473*!
So, the short of it is this: when someone puts themself out there and reaches out, write them back...good or bad, they deserve to know. True, you don't owe them a thing...you paid your monthly fee to use the service and are free to do so anyway you choose, but doing wht's right takes an extra 10 seconds. That is time well spent-I promise.
*I have no idea who BaseballBill0473 is...I totally made that username up.
6.08.2009
Sam I Am...Not Interested
Online dating fosters a lot of rejection. Sad, but true. Whether it's accurate or not, I feel as if I am usually the rejectee. On occcassion, however, I am on the flip side of that coin. Case in point: Sam. This man contacted me, which led me to reviewing his profile. I was not "wowed" immediately, but I am trying to cast a wider net and be more open minded. He was attractive enough and his profile was well written with no spelling errors (sorry...I'm a teacher, it's my thing). So, I contacted him with a short and sweet note telling him I would like to chat and get to know him better. His turn: he asked for my phone number. My turn: I gave it to him. His turn: He called the next night-at 11:15 P.M. Now, I am not usually one to make phone calls just to chat at that time of night to people I actually know. I thought it was a bit odd and even borderline inappropriate. I would not even call my own sister at that time of night unless I was having some kind of crisis. Not to mention, I had fallen asleep on the couch and he woke me up....BAD move. Nonetheless, he apologized for calling so late (did I mention that was the first time he ever called me?) and said he'd call me the next day. He did and left a voicemail for me. It went something like this: "Hi Julie, it's Sam. Sorry I missed you. I am on my way to the gym, then off to meet up with friends and hang out for the night. I try to stay very active and busy. Call me back when you get a chance." Agree with me or not, but that kind of turned me off. In my opinion, if a stranger feels the need to tell you how social and busy he is, he is trying to prove something...perhaps convince me that he is super social and super cool and I best hurry and call him back before I miss my tiny window of opportunity to talk to him. That coupled with the fact that my interest in his profile was debateable, helped me decide I didn't wish to proceed. When you meet someone online, they are a stranger at first and it's important to keep it cool and casual upfront. That does not translate to not returning calls or ignoring someone, mind you. There is a right way to let someone who has taken the time to contact you know that you are not interested. And it goes like this" "Hi Sam, it's Julie. Thanks for the call. After thinking it over, I don't think we are a good fit, but I wish you the best of luck." Done. I will never apologize for not wanting to date someone, but anyone who blantantly ignores someone who has reached out to them should be sorry for their poor ettiquete. All too often, we tend to forget that there is a real person with feelings on the other side of that profile. Just because I don't want to date them, does not make it ok to be rude. I believe in karma, I believe in manners and I believe my Mr. Right is out there somewhere...it's just not Sam.
6.07.2009
Welcome...How Did I Get Here?
Hello to anyone who is reading this! What you will read on my blogs are all about my varied experiences (past and present) from dating online. The idea that I should actually type them out and blog them is the brainchild of my amazing friend, realtor, warrier and mother of two: Lyra. Lyra has known me since I was 16 and I have shared (and obsessed over) every relationship, odd guy behavior, and hope, dream and fear with her. And she listens to me. Everytime. I'm a lucky girl.
But, back to the point of this blog. How did I get here? I have been in and out of the world of online dating for just about seven years. That is not a typo. After the heartbreaking end of my first true-blue committed relationship in my 2o's, I forged ahead and got online to try to meet someone new. After many first and second dates ( and even a little 6 week-er in there), I eventually did meet someone. Joe* and I fell in love and after a year of dating decided to move in together. That's when things really got interesting. More on that another time. Needless to say, we broke up (otherwise my blog would be called All About My Lovely Life With Joe) and I have been continuing in my search for Mr. Right ever since then.
It's logical and accurate to think that someone who has been dating for a long time (especially online) would have many stories to share. And I do...but this is not just about throwing men under the bus for the "guy things" that I have experienced, nor is this about sharing every little experience. This is really about trying to help others in my situation sort through this online dating thing. The wrongs and rights (according to me) and most importantly...it's a way to try to let the thousands upon thousands of fellow online daters out there know that they are not alone and they are not crazy. And not crazy for feeling alone.
So, why should you care? You don't have to...not one bit. But maybe my blog will entertain and/or enlighten you. Maybe you will share an online dating tip that has worked for you. Anyway you slice it, we're in it together now.
*Names have been changed to protect those who ended our two and a half year relationship via e-mail (also not a typo)
But, back to the point of this blog. How did I get here? I have been in and out of the world of online dating for just about seven years. That is not a typo. After the heartbreaking end of my first true-blue committed relationship in my 2o's, I forged ahead and got online to try to meet someone new. After many first and second dates ( and even a little 6 week-er in there), I eventually did meet someone. Joe* and I fell in love and after a year of dating decided to move in together. That's when things really got interesting. More on that another time. Needless to say, we broke up (otherwise my blog would be called All About My Lovely Life With Joe) and I have been continuing in my search for Mr. Right ever since then.
It's logical and accurate to think that someone who has been dating for a long time (especially online) would have many stories to share. And I do...but this is not just about throwing men under the bus for the "guy things" that I have experienced, nor is this about sharing every little experience. This is really about trying to help others in my situation sort through this online dating thing. The wrongs and rights (according to me) and most importantly...it's a way to try to let the thousands upon thousands of fellow online daters out there know that they are not alone and they are not crazy. And not crazy for feeling alone.
So, why should you care? You don't have to...not one bit. But maybe my blog will entertain and/or enlighten you. Maybe you will share an online dating tip that has worked for you. Anyway you slice it, we're in it together now.
*Names have been changed to protect those who ended our two and a half year relationship via e-mail (also not a typo)
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