Follow Through

There is an awesome song out there called "Follow Through" by Gavin DeGraw. The words go a little something like this : If you want to be with me, you have to follow through with every word you say." There is obviously more to this song, but that is the general idea. It seems like such a simple concept-right? Yes, in the real world. In the online dating world, maybe not.

I have had some great dates with men. Dates where you feel a certain spark or connection. Dates where you think at the very least: this is someone I'd like to get to know better. When the date ends, many men tell me they will call me again. Of the men I actually hear back from, there is often another date planned. Here's where it gets strange: some of these men then vanish. Disappear. Move to another country that does not have phones or Internet (hey, a girl's gotta tell herself whatever she can to help her sleep). But when I am not lying to myself, I do face the reality: he's just not that into dating me. That is fine...really. Not everyone wants to date everyone. But, then please, don't make plans with me and then fall of the face of the Earth. In other words: follow through.

What are you afraid of? If you contact me and tell me that we are not right to date, do you think that I will go off on some tangent about how men are horrible, indecisive creatures who cannot and will not commit? I wouldn't say that, because I don't think it's true. What I would do in that situation (given the opportunity), is thank him for his honesty. Really.

I have had to give the "thanks but no thanks" line. (I word it much nicer than that, promise). And everyone I have ever said this to has thanked me for my honesty. I showed them the respect they deserved as a human being and treated like them someone with feelings.

I try very hard to keep my dating karma super clean because I believe beyond the shadow of a doubt that what goes around comes around. So, I treat others the way I would want to be treated. And if you are dating, (or walking around out there in general) I highly recommend you make a special point to do the very same.

Take a listen to the song I referenced above. The words help me remember what separates the men from the boys.

Run Away...

When I told my friend Mark the following story, he used two smiple words :"Run Away." When I told my cousin Dara (one of my many, many recruited dating therapists) the same story, she said "Get up, go to the sink and wash your hands, because you're done with this person."

This story is a little more unusual than the other stories I have to tell. I think it's an attention grabber...but you be the judge.

When I started chatting with Jay, he was funny and conversational. He was educated, polite, well spoken and gainfully employed. Too good to be true? You betcha.

Our first date was really nice. There seemed to be some chemistry, and we had great conversation and lots of laughs. He even called the very next night. Wow.

During the course of the next week, we communicated via text messaging (a technological blessing as well as a curse) and I got the sense that he was super busy at work, which I fully understood. He doesn't work in a button factory looking for irregulars, he does have a stressful, demanding job. When we finally did connect voice to voice, I was really happy to hear from him. I asked him how his week was and he launced into a full scale rant about all the things that are wrong with his job, and then his life. Whoa partner! We've had one date...

I suggested that I would understand if given all the stresses in his life at the moment, if he felt he wasn't ready to date at this time. (I am just that wonderfully understanding and supportive). He insisted that was not the case. So, then, in a grand effort to keep things light and breezy, I suggested that we meet for a quick coffee over the weekend and not talk about work, but lighter fare. Silence. I mean look at my phone to see if we got disconnected silence followed by, "Look Julie, I'm in a bad mood and don't know what my plans are." Alrighty, then.

I wanted to get off the phone...badly. So, I told him that I hope he felt better and that we would touch base whenever we touched base. The snap shut of my phone was almost immediately followed by a lengthy apology text from Jay, regretting his poor conversational skills that evening.

Hey, look: I am the Queen of bad days and grumpy moods. However, I generally stay off the phone when I am feeling this way for fear of making someone in my life feel bad if I grump at them. But, I would never, I repeat never, show this color to someone I have had just one date with. If I can't ask you how work is going without you going nuts on me, what's going to happen the 376th time I ask you to put the toilet seat down? I'm not gonna stick around to find out the answer to that one.

Two days later, Jay called me to offer a formal apology for what happened 48 hours before. Then he asked me out for coffee. I quickly tried to explain that I didn't think we are meant to date, but I wish him the best of luck. His response? "I can't apologize anymore for what I did.". Um, I'm not asking you to, I just want to get off the phone! The conversation then spiraled into an odd tangent of Jay asking me if I am angry and would I snub him if I bumped into him in public oneday. Hello? One date. We've had one date...he was acting as if we were ending a six month relationship, rather than a six hour one. And I thought I was the winner of the little game called "beating a dead horse.". I've been de-throned.

After 20 some-odd taxing minutes of this ridiculous merry-go-round, we wished one another the best of luck (something I tried to do 17 minutes before) and ended our bizarre little connection along with our phone call.

Wow.

I am not a quitter, but Mark was right...I was so glad to, from this one, run away. And thanks to Dara's words of wisdom, my hands are squeaky clean.

First Impressions

I am going to be honest here: the pictures of myself I have posted on these dating sites are indeed recent. Recent and flattering. There's no picture of me with no make-up, messy hair or not smiling. Is that someone you'd want to contact, let alone date? I am no supermodel, but I can hold my own in the looks department (my mom says so!) and want to give men a true representation of real me.

I often "browse" the profiles online...shallow or not, I open the profiles of the men I find physically attractive. Once I read their profiles, I am given more insight as to whether or not I think we would hit it off in the future. But it all starts with that picture---that first impression.

I continue to be baffled at the pictures some men post. I have seen pictures of men with hands over half of their face, scowling, smoking, drinking and my personal favorite, pictures with women who are obviously not their mothers. That makes me hesitate---big time. I am instantly made to think that this guy hangs around with women every night of the week and could not possibly have room for one more in his life.

You gotta think about the first impression! What will draw a potential mate into your profile? How can I come across as myself, albeit the most wonderful, perfect, you're not going to be able to live without me version of myself? For starters, all of my pictures are of me. Alone. They are all close up. Why, oh, why would I want to see a picture of you standing far, far away? If I can't see your eye color, you're too far away.

I have had first hand experience with this one. I saw a profile that was super funny and witty. I was intrigued, but his picture was from a distance. So, I really couldn't tell what this man looked like. I fought my instincts and contacted him anyway. In the end, we met for coffee (I should buy stock in one particular coffeehouse, I spend so many first dates there), and I saw just WHY his picture was not a close-up. Next.

So, if you are reading this and are also an online dater, please know that these are the things that are good choices in profile pictures: solo and up close, little kids (maybe mention who they are in your profile--yours or loaners from friends), pictures with pets, and the like. Poor choices include: group pictures (why are you hiding behind that person at the bar? Hey, your friend on the right is pretty damn cute...is he single, too?), far away pictures and pictures of a person with the opposite sex. And for heavens sake, smile!

As much as we say that we know that looks fade and are not the most important thing in the world, no one initiates contact with a person they don't find attractive. Right or wrong, that's the way it goes. So, put your best face forward and upload a flattering, smiley picture of yourself. Because, as the saying goes: you never get a second chance to make a first impression. And with thousands of people online at any given moment, you've got to make that first impression a good one.

The Ex-Files

I am sure there are people with no dating history to speak of who are trying to date online. The majority of us, however, do not fall into that category. I would feel safe in saying that 99.9% of the men's profile's I have seen, clicked on and/or send a wink to represent a man with an ex-girlfriend or two---or nine. These profiles represent men who have broken some hearts, have had their hearts broken and have had a major fight with their former significant others over taco shells...or was that one just me?

Nontheless, my point is that we all have a romantic past. Some are less upsetting than others, but we all pretty much have some form of baggage. Some need a bellhop to help them carry it, while the lucky ones just have a small carry-on that will slide right into the overhead compartment.

No matter the baggage size, when, if ever, is it ok to discuss/disclose your daing history to your potential new mate? I have met men that thought it was ok to share the sordid details of their past relationships over coffee within our first 20 minutes of our first meeting.

Exhibit A: I met Ken at a coffeehouse and right away I could tell that he was not the one. He kissed me on the cheek (fresh from the Gym, might I add and he was still, um, damp--strike one--get a towel. Do the words 'first impression' ring a bell?) and called me "Babe". I speak for myself, but I HATE that! Maybe he was a serial dater and couldn't recall my name, but I haven't been anyone's "babe" since I was in a crib in the room next to my parents some 30-odd years ago.

Strike two.

We sit down and he starts talking about his daughter. Ok, proud Dad-I get it. But that daughter had to come from somewhere...you guessed it...an ex. Ken then proceeded to tell me all about his ex wife and how their marriage began and ended. She was now remarried and he was totally fine with that. He made a point of mentioning it-numerous times. Maybe it's just me, but if someone needs to convince you of something, they are likely trying to convince themselves of it as well. Like the time I told my cat that eating cheesecake while standing up leaning over the sink helps me consume less calories. Yeah, right.

Strike three.

I did not care about his ex, his ex's new husband or anything of the like. Certainly not on our first little coffee meeting. In turn, I was not interested in dating this man. He came across like a person who was still hung up on their ex and I feel safe I speak for all daters out there--that's just plain unappealing.

Opening the ex-files is a huge no-no during the first couple of meetings with someone. Other off limit topics during this time frame include: baby names, committment phobias, how your dream wedding has been planned in your head since you were 11, mean things a former friend may say about you if asked, one night stands you may have had, etc. The list goes on.

All, right, so what CAN we talk about, you may ask, Ms. Online Dater Smartie Pants? That list is extensive as well: travel, educational backgrounds, art, childhoods (happy memories only, people!), movies, music, nieces and nephews, pets, volunteer work, sports, favorite restaurants, friends, etc. This list goes on as well...I think you get the point.

But, please, wait until an appropriate time, deeper into the relationship, to pick your moment to share your ex-files. If you have a dire need to do such sharing on a first date, well, don't...and think about whether or not you're really ready to be back out there.

Randomness...

As you know, I am an online dater. If you weren't aware of that for some reason, check out the title of this blog. Nevertheless, someone who is actively searching for a mate (me) spends a fair amount of time (ok, too much time) thinking and wondering about how and when this part of my life will fall into place.

I am lucky enough to be surrounded by terrific people in my life. Despite the fact that they are happily involved in relationships and I am not, I love them anyway. Each of these couples has met in such random ways...

My parents don't count. They are from a totally different generation where people marry their high school sweethearts. He was a basketball player, she was a cheerleader. The rest is history.

My sister met her husband on an elevator. AN ELEVATOR. How random is that? If she or my brother in law had gotten on that elevator 60 seconds later, my nephew would have never been born. Unfathomable.

I know someone else who reconnected with her then-acquaintance-and-now husband because she picked up a hometown publication and, happy for her "old friend" that he was achieving a professional goal of his, e-mailed him to wish him congratulations. I was their Maid of Honor this past October.

I am not saying people don't meet their soulmates through the online dating forum. I personally know some happy couples who have. But, the contradition to this is that people always tell me, "you'll find him when you stop looking." Here's the thing: the times I've been out of the online dating world and was "not looking", no one knocked on my door to ask me out on a date.

So, I stay online and keep looking and hope that I have my own "random" story to tell at some point. It may go something like this: 'I was JUST about to logoff and an IM from him popped up, and we typed 'til the sun came up. ' A little different from the basketball player and cheerleader story, but, hey, it'll be my story.

The Waiting Game

Many people may think that the time leading up to the first date is the most stressful part of dating. Will he like me? Will I like him? Will there be an attraction? Will he look anything like his picture?

So, you choose your outfit, take extra time for hair and make-up and meet this mystery man. And lo and behold, you have a great time...you laugh, you flirt, you feel that certain 'something'. Just before you part ways, he says that he will call you soon. You go home with a smile on your face, congratulating yourself on a successful first date.

Hard part's over, right?

Not so much.

Now, the worst part begins...the waiting game.

If you are one of the lucky girls who dated a straight-forward guy, then you will likely hear back from your date in a reasonable amount of time. But, if you are like the 99.9% of other female daters out there, the next couple of days are filled with waiting and wondering. Did he like me? Was he attracted to me? Did I have some food particle in my teeth for three hours that he saw, but never told me about, and now everytime he thinks of me, all he can see is a piece of spinach stuck in teeth? Is he just not interested at all, or is he playing the "waiting game", so as not to seem too eager? Help!

As I write this, I am, indeed, in the midst of the waiting game. After what I thought was a very successful first date, I am, well, waiting. Not sitting in my house kind of waiting, but, I'm not gonna lie: I always know where my cell phone is-just in case.

But, honestly, does it really matter? Sure, it would be great to get to know this guy better and see what may ensue from here. But, I was 100% completely myself with him and if that's not the right fit, then we shouldn't be together. Every pot has a lid and maybe we're not the right kind of cookware for one another. Right? Right. But I am still wondering...

Oh...gotta go...I hear my cell phone! Fingers crossed.

Is It the Game or The Players?

In the world of online dating, people can be easily made to feel as if they are dispensible and replaceable. Not the best feeling in the world. That being said, I try very hard to always communicate with anyone who reaches out to me-even if it's 'thanks for the note, good luck to you." I have sent probably hundreds of winks, flirts and e-mails to potential mates online that have gone unreturned. (That doesn't make me sound too good, does it?)

The game for me has involved men not showing their best practices in staying true to their word. I will admit, I have done that as well on rare, rare occasion. You got me. Busted.

However, when the rare gem slides through who does reply, it usually goes like this: e-mails, phone call, date. So why when the even rarer gem appears that actually sends texts and/or calls when he says he's going to, do I sometimes begin to lose interest? Is it the game or the players?

This just happened recently: I got a text from someone who I was in between dates # 1 and 2 with. I looked at my phone, rolled my eyes and said to my cousin Dara,"why does he call or text every day?!". What she said next stuck in my brain: "When a guy goes M.I.A., you get pissed off. This one's actually following through and you're still pissed. What's that about?" The answer: I have no idea.

Maybe it's because I'm already pretty aware that he's not "The One". Maybe it's because I'm in love with "the chase"...you know: that ridiculous little game daters play to make the other one wonder, worry and wonder some more. Even though I'm pretty sure it's the former, not the latter, it made me think: is it the game (dating) or the players (that he and I are not the right fit?).

Since I am weeks away from officially being in my mid-thirties, I like to think that I am evolved enough to be past the thrill of the chase. I do, in all honesty want a reliable, communicative mate. Just not the wrong reliable, communicative mate.

I guess the fact that as I was preparing for date # 2, I briefly contenplated wearing my glasses told me something. I don't even like to wear my glasses to the grocery store. As I put in my contact lenses, I think I realized that I just don't feel a spark with this particular person. This made me feel more like it was the players, not the game, ansd less like a, well, bitch, to put it simply.

So, this player will stay in the game as long as I need to in order to find someone who I wouldn't dream of wearing my glasses in front of on our second date. Third date, maybe...