The Ex-Files

I am sure there are people with no dating history to speak of who are trying to date online. The majority of us, however, do not fall into that category. I would feel safe in saying that 99.9% of the men's profile's I have seen, clicked on and/or send a wink to represent a man with an ex-girlfriend or two---or nine. These profiles represent men who have broken some hearts, have had their hearts broken and have had a major fight with their former significant others over taco shells...or was that one just me?

Nontheless, my point is that we all have a romantic past. Some are less upsetting than others, but we all pretty much have some form of baggage. Some need a bellhop to help them carry it, while the lucky ones just have a small carry-on that will slide right into the overhead compartment.

No matter the baggage size, when, if ever, is it ok to discuss/disclose your daing history to your potential new mate? I have met men that thought it was ok to share the sordid details of their past relationships over coffee within our first 20 minutes of our first meeting.

Exhibit A: I met Ken at a coffeehouse and right away I could tell that he was not the one. He kissed me on the cheek (fresh from the Gym, might I add and he was still, um, damp--strike one--get a towel. Do the words 'first impression' ring a bell?) and called me "Babe". I speak for myself, but I HATE that! Maybe he was a serial dater and couldn't recall my name, but I haven't been anyone's "babe" since I was in a crib in the room next to my parents some 30-odd years ago.

Strike two.

We sit down and he starts talking about his daughter. Ok, proud Dad-I get it. But that daughter had to come from somewhere...you guessed it...an ex. Ken then proceeded to tell me all about his ex wife and how their marriage began and ended. She was now remarried and he was totally fine with that. He made a point of mentioning it-numerous times. Maybe it's just me, but if someone needs to convince you of something, they are likely trying to convince themselves of it as well. Like the time I told my cat that eating cheesecake while standing up leaning over the sink helps me consume less calories. Yeah, right.

Strike three.

I did not care about his ex, his ex's new husband or anything of the like. Certainly not on our first little coffee meeting. In turn, I was not interested in dating this man. He came across like a person who was still hung up on their ex and I feel safe I speak for all daters out there--that's just plain unappealing.

Opening the ex-files is a huge no-no during the first couple of meetings with someone. Other off limit topics during this time frame include: baby names, committment phobias, how your dream wedding has been planned in your head since you were 11, mean things a former friend may say about you if asked, one night stands you may have had, etc. The list goes on.

All, right, so what CAN we talk about, you may ask, Ms. Online Dater Smartie Pants? That list is extensive as well: travel, educational backgrounds, art, childhoods (happy memories only, people!), movies, music, nieces and nephews, pets, volunteer work, sports, favorite restaurants, friends, etc. This list goes on as well...I think you get the point.

But, please, wait until an appropriate time, deeper into the relationship, to pick your moment to share your ex-files. If you have a dire need to do such sharing on a first date, well, don't...and think about whether or not you're really ready to be back out there.