So Long, Farewell...

Where have I been, you may wonder...I had spent quite a bit of time writing about my adventures in online dating this past summer and all of a sudden, it came to a screeching halt. There's a very good reason for that: I met someone. Not just anyone...someone really and truly special. Someone who makes me laugh, (he's almost as funny as I am!) someone who is a good, kind person, someone who lets me be, well, me.

So, we met, we had dinner, we agreed not to see other people and fell in love (these things did not happen all in one night). And, oh, yeah, somewhere very early in that mix I removed myself from the online dating forum, and, well, dating all together.

So, for all of you who listened to me whine incessantly about another lousy online date...those days are behind us. For those of you who pretended to listen to me whine incessantly about another lousy online date...you're off the hook now, too. And for those of you who read this silly little blog of mine since I began it, I will tell you one thing: I had a blast sharing my ridiculous, sometimes horrifying stories with you. I am so glad you found them amusing, interesting, relatable or even a half-way decent way to pass the time. Adventures in online dating, indeed.

However, truth be told, I am more excited about the adventure I have begun with this one person...

Seriously? Seriously.

Ahhh, the first impression. You never get a second chance to make one. That is precisely what an online dating profile is: a first impression. We all know you are made up of good and bad, Angel and Devil, as are the rest of us. But, c'mon...play up your the good things you have to offer a potential mate, rather than show the, um, less flattering and odd things aobut yourself.

The following are some of the more "unusual" comments I have come across in various profiles written by men who think they are really making a good first impression. Naturally, I will throw my two cents in because, well, that's what I do.

I like petite women who are playful and passionate, a bit naughty, but sweet. SIZE 5 OR LESS PLEASE. Um, ok, pal. Not shallow or superficial. Not at all.

So there are no surprises, I am very bi-curious and looking for someone who is looking for or willing to let me experiment in the arena. Keep looking. She doesn't live here...

Rated R- for mature viewers only Cute...not.

I'M A GENEROUS, WELL NOT REALLY , IM YOU KNOW JEWISH .I'M EMOTIONALLY AND FINANCIALLY STABLE MAN , I HAVE A NICE HOME I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU AS LONG AS YOU CHIP IN. Yeah, you're not a neanderthal.

Love is the passion that moves my soil What does that even mean?!

I could be passionate about tying my shoes in the morning Contratulations. How special for you.

And the winner is...

I am thankful to Jesus, for selfelssly dying on the cross, so that we may have forgiveness... Seriously? Seriously. Now, just to clarify, I am all for someone holding tight to their religious views, but for the love of Pete, I don't need to know about when I read your profile.

This is what is out there to choose from, people..And my Grandmother wonders why I am still single.

Red Flags

Once upon a time there was a woman. This woman tirelessly searched for her Prince Charming. This woman spent enough in online dating membership fees to feed a third world nation. This woman is wondering if the fairy tale will ever really come true.

Exhibit A: Dinner with Adam. We had a great time talking and laughing. He reached for the check. I offered, he pushed my hand away. He seemed kind, gentlemanly and sweet.

Looks can be deceiving.

After dinner, we took a little stroll and talked some more. He made a bit of an inappropriate innuendo, which, for the sake of the benefit of the doubt, I let slide. Red flags. Always pay attention to the red flags. We engaged in a kiss and we were doing just fine until his hand ended up somewhere I wished it hadn't. I'm not a shy person, but I think the element of surprise caused my reaction to come off a bit more demure than I wanted it to be. I passed it off and made a little joke, but moved that hand away. I thought I got my point across, but lo and behold...you guessed it: he went back for seconds.

Now I am surprised and pissed off.

So, I do the whole "look at the time" thing with my watch (thankfully I was wearing one) and made an excuse to get the holy hell outta there. Adam mentioned a second date and I quipped about how that may perhaps work (I was not being 100% honest with him or myself) if he could behave and watch his hands next time. His response: "Well, it'll be a second date, so it'll be ok then." Um, no.

With this comment I was now fuming. I'm no serial dater, but I'm no nun either. However, in my many years of dating I have never, ever encountered anything or anyone like this. He walks me to the valet, asks me to drive him to his car (which I foolishly do) and he kisses me on the cheek (sure...now he's a gentleman) and says he'll call me. Dude, don't bother.

But, in typical Julie fashion, I had to get a zinger in before he left my car. Maybe I wanted to ensure I never heard from him again. Maybe I wanted to piss him off like I was pissed off. Maybe both. Nevertheless, I notice something about his car and make mention that in my opinion, perhaps it's not the most manly man thing I've ever seen. Elude to the fact that your date is a homosexual? Yep, that should do it.

Digging Into The Archives

In my last post, I believe I referenced that dating can sometimes be a feast or famine proposition...downpour or drought. Again, I am certain you get the idea. But, since I am still pretty thirsty from this drought, I am digging into the archives to share one of my more interesting little anecdotes from my online dating shenanigans.

I have not typed this one out yet for all to read because I really want to keep this blog PG-13. So, I will let you put two and two together on this one and hope you come up with four.

Well over a year ago I met Greg. Not quite 30, lived in his parent's guest house and, oh yeah...had a fetish.

Dictionary.com (why would I walk all the way upstairs to get an actual dictionary when I can access one without moving an inch?) describes a fetish as the following:

1. an object regarded with awe as being the embodiment or habitation of a potent spirit or as having magical potency.
2. any object, idea, etc., eliciting unquestioning reverence, respect, or devotion: to make a fetish of high grades.
3. Psychology. any object or nongenital part of the body that causes a habitual erotic response or fixation.

Um, yeah, I am referring to # 3...start adding, people.

When Greg and I started hanging out, we had a blast. He was easy to talk to, super nice and funny. After a couple of weeks he came over to hang out and watch a movie. He asked me if I wanted a foot rub. I was impressed and totally pleasantly surprised! So, I got a heavenly foot rub while (almost) finishing the rest of the movie. Ahem.

You've heard that if something seems too good to be true, it usually is? Yup. Nothing's changed on that one, folks.

Greg and I continue to get to know one another better. He learns more about my childhood and how I made the transition from the corporate world into the teaching field. And I learn that he has a foot fetish. Say what?

Yep, Greg had a foot fetish. Between learning from him, the Internet and the solicited input of others, I found out exactly what that meant. I hope you are still doing your own adding here, people, because I am not going to (literally) spell it out for you.

No judgement whatsoever to Greg or those out there in the world with a fetish. To each their own..really and truly! I simply learned that I don't think the fetish thing is for me and my potential mate.

So, Greg and I eventually parted ways and I sit here many moons later to add this story to my "adventures." Some of you near and dear to me reading this may have a fetish (or two!) of your own...please don't throw garbage or heavy objects at me next time we cross paths. I love having you in my life...I just don't want to date you! :-)

It's Been A While

For a while, I was on a roll...a dating roll, a blogging roll, but now...I'm standing still. I can't blog about dating online if, well, I'm not. I am still an active participant on these sites, but, let's just say that every dater goes through a drought.

I'm pretty thirsty.

Part of the problem is the same old, same old. Once you've been on these sites for a while, you see the same profiles time after time...everyone has pretty much decided who they want to contact and who they don't. So, if "hotnumber45" didn't want to date me when he checked out my profile on Thursday, chances are that the feeling will remain the same when I see his profile on Saturday. But, it works both ways. In turn, if I don't want to date "foreveryourboy" on Monday when I see his profile, I will feel the same way on Wednesday when he sends me an instant message. See my point?

I know that dating is feast or famine...but there is tumbleweed rolling around at the moment...that's ok...it will pick up again, and I will get back into the dating swing of things when it does.

Again, I by no means enjoy dating many men, but it's what needs to be done in order to find the right fit...the old sayings about kissing a lot of frogs and needles in haystacks are certainly true!

But, I do believe, with all of my heart, that he is out there...and when I find him-well, it will all be worth it.

That's Just Shady...

The title of this post is what my good friend Brooke told me when I told her the following story:

Ron was on point. He called when he said he would, communicated well and was affectionate on dates. Date number two was pretty great, so when we planned a third, I was looking forward to it. We decided on a Sunday. Ron had plans that morning, and I had plans in the evening, so we agreed on a 2:00 meet up.

At about 12:30 that day, I got a text from Ron apologizing for needing to reschedule our date that afternoon. I wrote back that it was no problem, and that I hoped all was ok. And I meant it.

Once again, cue the crickets.

I am a pretty good communicator in general. But, among the men I date, I really try especially hard. I want to stay as far away from the game playing that many daters subscribe to. Agree or not, I don't wait 24 hours to return a call or text to someone I am dating just to make them wonder what I am doing and to make them think that my life is fabulously full of friends and fun. My life is pretty full, but there is certainly time in it to send a text message.

So, I was kind of surprised when Ron never replied to me. Furthermore, if Ron didn't want to continue to get to know me, why would he have asked me for a third date?

So, when I broke it down for my friend Brooke later that day, she had three words to share: "That's just shady." Brooke's theory involves the fact that she believes many men are online dating fresh from a breakup and when they "disappear", they are really just back with their exes. Food for thought.

When I was watching a discussion among the other "Fab Four" not those British Invaders, the American Manhattan-ites (Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte-the ladies of the famed HBO series "Sex and the City"), they were discussing just this subject: when the men we date disappear, where do they go? Miranda shared that she pretends they die. More (harsher) food for thought. I'm not quite there...I don't wish ill will on these men, but c'mon...don't cancel a date via text and then vanish. Can you say "coward"? I can...I've gotten good at it.

So, Ron is history along with many others. And that's ok. But, I am glad to know that I am not alone in these experiences. That is precisely why I DVR those episodes of "Sex and the City".

Skipping To The Dumpster

There is no telling how much longer I will be an off and on online dater. My hopes are that it will be for a very short time. However, if the past is any indication, this will not be the case. I am a healthy, educated, 35 year old woman. I have friends, a full time job, my own home and a wonderful family. Sounds like a great catch, right? That is what I thought until I entered the world of online dating. Since the breakup of my first long term relationship in my mid-twenties, I have been on and off the three most well known dating sites. I even met and lived with a man (out of wedlock-for SHAME!) I met on one of them. When our relationship ended, I was still quite hopeful that the right guy was out there: someone funny, employed, caring and who wanted children. The standards were completely reasonable, in my opinion. This should not be too hard to find…I am not looking for perfection…just an all around good guy. Simple enough, right? Not so much. Read on.

There are some “interesting” men out there. Granted, I am only writing this from my own female perspective. I have no doubt that some of my fellow females are running the good name of our gender into the ground as online daters as well. But since I am “woman seeking man” I can only share my own experiences in meeting various men. I participate in online dating for what I think are the right reasons: I am genuinely interested in meeting a man to build a relationship with and perhaps marry and have a family with one day. My pictures do look like me and there is not one untrue word in my profile. I have learned that I am in the minority here.

I have met men with sexual fetishes, men who mentioned their ex -wives repeatedly, men who were rude to our restaurant servers, men who didn’t look a thing like their profile pictures and men who asked me to have sex with them on the first date. (No judgment to those out there who do have sex on the first date, that is just not my personal choice). And, then there was “Ben”, a man who I hit it off with. Great phone chats that led up to a wonderful first date. He told me he thought I was beautiful and that he couldn’t wait to see me again. We set a date for three days later. You guessed it-I never heard from him again.

Men have instant messaged (IM’d) me and asked me-a stranger –if they could come to my apartment and have sex with me (um, no). I have had various men IM me asking me about my personal preferences in bed…it went something like this:

Him: Hey…how are ya?
Me: Good…you?
Him: Great…what kinds of things do you like in bed?


Ummmm, hello? Are you kidding me?

And let’s not forget Mickey. Mickey was a man I spotted online one Friday night and something about him caught my attention. So, I requested an IM session with him, and he complied. The fact that he lived on the other side of the country was definitely not working in my favor, but I told myself that I must keep an open mind to find love. You never know where that perfect mate is….

Mickey and I went on to have a terrific phone and IM relationship over the next couple of months. We had long talks deep into the night and our communication became part of our day to day. So, imagine my thrill when Mickey came to my town for a visit. To my delight, it was incredibly comfortable being face to face with him. I was reeling with excitement…until…well; let’s just say he had some difficulties in the bedroom. These were issues that he’d mentioned on the phone, but I either refused to acknowledge them or foolishly thought that I was the woman with who these difficulties would not appear. Boy was I off the mark on that one. After a few days of uncomfortable attempts, Mickey went to visit relatives who lived near my apartment, saying that he’d be back that night. He never returned. Bonus points for you if you saw that one coming---I sure didn’t. I will admit that I cried my eyes out over this one…I could not believe that another man had disappeared on me. But, after many discussions with my girlfriends about this (yes, Mickey, they know every detail now), I realized that this was about HIS fears and shortcomings (sorry about the choice of words here) and that he “ran” out of sheer embarrassment. Funnily enough, Mickey had left some clothes behind at my place. Eventually, off to the trash they went. I actually think I skipped to the dumpster to toss his stuff.

I don’t only rely on online dating, either…I put the word out to all of my friends that I am looking to meet someone special, and try not to decline an invitation anywhere…you never know where that special someone will be. But, being that I am an Elementary School teacher, and not a bar hopping kind of gal, online dating seems like a logical choice at the moment.

I know the old cliché: you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince, and have heard it from every friend and family member I share my dating tales with. At this point, I am going to need some serious lip balm from all this “kissing” I am metaphorically engaging in. Now, where did I put that Chapstick…